Life is meaningless

For my late grandma, i love you. and for uncounted times i say this, i really miss you and no one can take your place in my heart''....

My beloved grandma passed away last month. She left us on 20th of February.

She was hospitalized for almost 3 months. I was in manila when mom called me and said that Grandma is going to be transfer to the bukit ward.Which means, patience with less risk will be sent there. But the truth is that, my grandma suffered heart attack and 24hrs monitoring by doctors is crucial. The doctors think they are REALLY smart and discharge her from the general woman's ward and sign her off that she can cope with suction and minimal oxygen support. But it was hard for her there.the tube in her throat was stuck and suction was not done by nurse regularly and it get worse when her flame was clogging the tube. since the caretaker is limited only for some duties, plus the ward is lack of staff! imagine 20++ patience and only 4 nurses are working.

At the day of CNY, she managed to sit up and weirdly enough, that morning she asked the caretaker to get her some kopi-O from the canteen. Before this she never requested to buy drinks from outside. I went there and see her. Wishing her to get well soon and i promise her that i will bring her back to stay with me.She gave out angpows for those who came and visit her. And insisted Mom & aunt to give angpows to the nurses and doctors. (She was a generous lady. While she was in CCU, all the nurses were well fed. She make sure we bring food for the nurse!) Me and my aunt left the hospital around 11am and when we arrived home, mom call up and say grandma's condition went critical. No..no..

I sped all along the way from home and when i walk into the ward, she was lying lifeless, the nurse was besides her performing CPR, trying to save her. i shock my head, tears covered my cheeks. i couldnt take it.

after an hour, doctor anna came forward and had a long explanation to me and aunt. the cpr that was perform took longer than it supposed to be. with that, a normal cpr for 4minutes can actually do harm for the patience. whereby there will be no sufficient oxygen pass through to the brain. it will caused future damage like brain damage, epilepsy or a patience will be coma for a time period depending the situation.

Grandma was transferred to acute ward but there was no bed and she was put back at the general ward. she never woke up. and after the 6th day, she went to be with God. through that time, i prayed if she would woke up and hold my hands, touch my face and smile at me. she did that often when she was still okay. she would pat my head every time i sleep next to her. she would ask how am i or the most often will be have i eaten or not.

i regret. i regret i never tell her how much would need her to be my side when i get married. i told her that i want her keep strong till when i graduate, when i got my first job and when i married and when i move in to a new house she would come along. i promise her she would stay and i will accompany her when she be discharge from the hospital. but now, there is nothing but only spoken words that will fade in memory.

till the last day, when the doctor did another cpr to gain back her heart beat, i was there the whole night by her side. i went home to get some rest and, when she passed away at that morning 10.55am, chester my cousin, was there standing next to her. i was on the way with mom and dad is trying to get a ticket in KL to come back. i cry. i say to myself, i cannot cry for grandma says people who cry is 'soi'.

my cousin was standing next to her, i touch her hand, i said to her, 'grandma, if its better for you to leave and suffer no more, than go ahead. i love u so' at one point i couldnt cry and my heart start sinking.

the preparation for the mortuary was done after all my uncles and aunts came to see her lifeless body laying on the hospital bed. the service was done by Fook lu siew. i offered myself and together with the 2 caretaker we bath my late grandma.

3day service at the funeral parlour. everyone came back except my cousin. my dad ask my aunt if my cousin, Kah Nen would come back to pay his last respect but then my aunt says my cousin cannot make it because he cannot ask for emergency leave. he is not even in the professional field, and i am not discriminating him but for the last time, why he couldnt make it and my dad, an outsider is willing to pay for my cousin's ticket.

below, some pictorial with my grandma :( ..: last two years.....

Road Trip

I WANTED TO GO TO THE ISLAND.

But he gave me so many excuses.

Okay so he claimed it wasnt excuses but he was just thinking those so called 'excuses' that might happen. He says, the weather might get bitchy,mom might call and check where i am and the boat coming back from the island is at 4pm and he wont want me to freak out in the island. LOL

My counter-back reasons that made him pissed off after i say 'WE ARE NOT GOING' & 'FORGET IT BONN,I DONT WANT TO GO'..

1. WTF,i already told mom i gt 'class' until 4.45pm

2. I already prepared all the stuff for picnic. DUH...

3. I woke up early without being mad & feel annoyed

4. and,dude i really wanted to hang out with you :(

i know i be leaving like in a few days time. and he just got back from kuching.its been 2 days already as of today , and 'a short period of time' we both didnt see each other. Well, its not the TAHAP GABAN kerinduan if anyone might say. So let me put it this way, i got this feeling that i might have him away from me for a long long time. I dont know why the hell do i have this kind of thoughts.

And let me cut it short, we then get pissed off and almost at the tip of BLOWING each other's head off.Yet,it was almost.

We sat down in Mint Vietnamese restaurant and he eventually tried to 'pujuk' me. LOL. I am too much being a 'missy' i guess. HAHA. And i gave in and everything went okay and we did talk about understanding and actually we talked what we actually intended to.

My intention of showing my sour face :

1. Its okay if he doesnt want to go, i CAN go by myself.

2. His sour face. Facial expression as if he is totally worned out.

3. I hate people who give hesitate answer and nod with a annoyed face.

His HEAD:

1. He say he is okay whatever i plan on but i am a PLEASER! (i do think so!)

2. He try to recall back on whatever statement i said to him before. And processing each word i say right at the moment. Amending which is true or facts.

3. He wants me to decide where actually i am so concerned he wont like my idea.FCUK.

We drove to Jesselton Point car park,parked the car but didnt turn off the engine.We sat inside the car and i flip over the Tallisman book he borrow for me. He explained it will be better if we go for other stuff like 'road trip'. Basically, i am dead tired to argue or to say no. We drove up to Tuaran Crocodile farm and spent 3 hours there discovering. It was fun at the end. Those picnic junks bought earlier we ate it throughout the journey.

Crocodile Farm

1.BEAUTIFUL Koi fish

2. Crocodile show -AWESOME-

3. Cultural show -Bored-

4. Mumified & Waxed horses,crocodile,tembadau (exotic cow) -COOL-

5.Fed the deers,catfishes,koi fish,& a baby monkey! -FUN-

At the end, there is something more meaningful, which is enjoyed something beautiful within unperfection.

I always remind myself to never put hopes & too much attention on the disease of love. Somehow it just dont justify what you recieve.And yes it true,its better to give rather than to take. But too much giving and less compromise is practically idiot.

Bonn, its not easy to jaga you. :)

Before ending up my complain on bloggy today,below are some picture i bluetooth from him :)

*Some pictures we took while visiting crocodile farm :)

bonn,just below the rumah panjang,he is going to comfort room.

being unprepared,this is all i am capable to give.LOL

one of the few pics that he candid withe the mumiefied crocodiles

bonn carrying a dead-heavy crocodile

me at the entry ..eww

bonn naik kuda. LOL. Kuda kena awet.

I am trying to understand life

Okay, i am still awake.,Not yet sleep.Just done with cooking and freezing the pumpkin juice.

Bonn is outstation in Kuching and be coming back late night tomorro. Huhu. Hope to get to spend time with him before i leave for Manila. :(

I havent written anything about the end of last year, that i have to cancel family trips to Kl and my supposedly trip to Manila on december for Christmas is also cancel. But it was a prompt decision and sudden collapsed of Grandma caused by heart attack.

But maybe everything happens for a reason. Uncles and auties really show their REAL FACE of 'genuinely' caring for grandma.I bother it less! It be wasting my time gossping them here.

Well, at here, right now, i would like to write something i would really want to share.

The question : How much it takes to love a person?

It buzz me when i could see how much i had fall for him.But then again, i know somehow it just dont worth it for what it takes and how far has this gone.

Or could anyone go through a phase in life living without the person you need the most? Or sacrificing your own happiness or life materials?

I see some people had risks so many things to just catch that glimpse of happiness? Is is worth it? Or was it just another wrong move made by silly human nature.

I wonder how much it takes if you could love him but he never loves you? Isint it hard aching? Because i am feeling it.When the other day i asked him, if there is anyone in his mind at this moment? It was a question asked by Denoor who asked me to ask him. The answer suppose to be his Fish! He looked at my face and say, yes he was still thinking of someone.. My heart sank. I could feel it sank. Sank deep down under the sea than the anchor could reach. I paused and his eyes still starring at mine, he continued saying, it was her ex girfriend. They broke off and yet he say he hated her and couldnt understand why she had caused that misery scar in his heart.

Right now, if i could walk away. And search something besides love to be loved and love. I would!

And day by day i could feel my heart is senseless impaired by these reasons.

It was easy.Its because i had fallen for him. A truth myself couldnt bare with.

But dont worry, i guess i wouldnt be stupid enough to die for it. [ Sarcasm =) ]

A piece of note to someone i know,

If you trully love him and yes he loves you,

dont even wait for a second to tell him how much you love
him.

To know how much he loves you is simple,

he wouldnt dare leaving you alone to search for that somebody in
life.

Sacrificing is not being heroic under diffrent circumstances,

its guided by truth and facts that you react upon to.

To him,

the mischievious person who had ruined two person's life ,

And being silent loving the person and not holding her back is coward.

You dont deserve to be called a Man.You are a jerk for not proving your standings.

I dont get it what you are trying to prove.

And if you dare saying i am interfering your LOVE LIFE? well, you are welcome to come forward and say it infront of my face.

I dont INTERFERE because i like busybody, but i cant stand back looking my friend who you called 'sayang' ,deprieved like a widow and mourning for love. I couldnt look at her face hollow without her smile. I dont know, but it seems like you have fun MAKING LOVE around.

And yes, i wish you read this and letting your brain knows how much i am pissed with your so being MATURED character.

Being sarcasm as yourself with words doesnt make you hip, right now when i look back, i just realized you had poke fun of urself with your bestfriend. You are non heroic but a destroyer.

Who could i blame? Who am i to blame. Three of you are my friend.And one of you or two of you had let go this case but i am not going to be silent and act DONT KNOW like a dumb ass. WHAT A JOKE.

If you think right now, you had kept your mouth and handphone silence, and see things are safe and sound, you are so wrong. I am gonna tell you that, five years from now, you will end up marrying the misery of your life.

There is no point whispering to friends what is the situation now and telling people i am so into your stories.No, and HELL NO.

When you have time, you could come and see her.Look into her eyes.Her baggy eyes. Those lips and faces that you look when you promise her that you love her has turn sour.

Gees, people be wondering why could i get so emotional writting on you.You want to know? Because in business wise i never met such a DUMB FUCKING ASSHOLE like you.Turning people's life upside down.And you screwed every holes in their life. Are you satisfied? Do you see thats a statement on your wide forehead?

I dont know. But when i look at you and your crappy friend's face, it remind me how stupid both of you when you two throw up a joke.Its no more funny cause you had spill the milk.

By the way, the lady who LOVES you like HELL and WHOM you talk bad always is my FRIEND and babe. Who you had enjoyed the same bed and hugs and kissed is a friend i cherish for her sweet sense. But yes, again YOU DESTROY everything.

We could be friends like normal but its no more the same.

So before you commit yourself in a new relationship, be true to yourself and not looking for a HOLE to hide and get reasons. She was a bait to run away from the other one. And you came to this lovely and sweep her away.While you mend your 'plastic' heart you found the PERFECT one. WHAT A FAKE.. ..

The solution was easy, you should have be honest and not hide those truth. And actually never date the same circles of friends.But you were dumb as i could see that.

This writes up will come to an end when i say,

to the three love birds

• I am not anyone to judge, but i couldnt stand looking at Ur face ,is now like a DUMB PORN ASS.Get that retarded out of your brain.There is so many guys out there!

• Stupidly, you still loves him and flirt with him? what a pity. that 7inch doesnt work if there isnt much skills and his balls is full with gas rather than sperms.. oh yea, he talk bad about you. LOL.you still love him for that?

• You better get your brain fix. By the way, i am not going to look at you as like before. You are a jerk.

Amin!!!

my dismissal is being replace by writtings

so its been really AHWILE i have gone without writting any stuff here...

Grandma was admitted to the hospital .Its coming to 2 months she had been given dripping and today the doctor allowed us to feed her porridge..Thank God!

I dont know.Her sudden abscent in my life.Yes,since she collapsed (after doctor confirmed it was a heart attack) on the 22nd of Dec,i felt i had myself missing in everywhere i go,in everything i do,in each of the words spoken out. I shall not say she had the great impact or she is the impact of my life tho while i am writting this i am still a bit confuse on this issue. But for what had happen that day,i felt myself had distance myself. I had come to the point i would not rather to listen or how to manage a life. I am not prepared for the worse.Let alone swollowing all these heart aching situation. She lay down on the bed,lifeless. Just imagine,neither stench or the odour inhaling through your nasal hollow, you could feel ICU is no joke to accomodate six patience all with support by less than five machine. Non stop ticking and beeping sound echoes in your ear. Would you be in my shoes?

I am not the person who had witness death before.I wish this wouldnt happen.You can call me being unrealistic but i just cant cope with it.

But today, she smile and hold my hands. My grandma,i wish i could had write her earlier but my mind has just block to write anything.

She who had raised me up.Fed me well.School me and pampered me like a golden child. I had tasted the silver spoon on my mouth while i was growing up because of her.

'Grandma, promise me.You will stay strong to live till the day i am capable to bring you and stay with me and my family.I will feed you well.Pour you with love and warmth.Care you in my home.I couldnt lose you now' Amen

It made me think

okay...this week was busy.Not as in busy with my stuff, but instead with bonn. So its like dedicating this week for him.Since its his first week to work, i guess i have the obligation to 'push' him for working. Yeah, i admit, we do have this sneaky plan to get out from the office, but because there is nothing much can be done after all (ALASAN!).. Well, the company bonn is working with now belongs to Andy, another friend of ours. And thats one of the reason, i've been like lepaking in the office. Not just waiting for bonn, or was it, but just that it amuse me sometimes to sit down and talk with Andy. Yeap, he is that kind of person who really talks, gentleman in his own sway, and he talk business like a china men but deals with a more sensible way. And he is that kind of person who can make me praise alot! (Whatever other might say about him,.which previously i heard about. AHhhh..bullshits!) Andy is my senior in Uni, and old time friend of bonn from high school. So we are friends in a way and yet between Andy and Bonn, there is this boss thingy (You do get me right?)

with bonn at apink's birthday & open house 2009

yeah, and we did get out today from the office, went to 1B to watch 2012. And it fascinates me about the true meaning of the movie, or would i say the panel writers and director for the movie. The question here states where does we go with all those predicted catrostrophic? how can humanity brings along us together despite the feud between religion, belief and our skin color? and is the apocalypse true? well, only God knows. It do freak me out while watching it but it gives me another second thought whether on what limitation in life has for each of us?



Let me just leave behind the disaster who scientics predicts to be in future. For myself, life has to be prioritized. Family, loves one, friends, others.. and so on.. There is nothing can be done true what is on the screen right now. Just let the tsunami wipe us away.



While was driving out from likas, i was on my way to Cock and Bull, it suddenly came out from no where in my head. I had this thinking. 'WHO IS YOUR BEST LISTENER?''



The best listener is ourself. Our own self who had live in this body binding with the soul.

Who shall accept those bad and good thoughts and thinking, non other than us?



We drive our own thinking. Build by enviroment,conclude by action. And learn through those wrong interpretation of life.



So what if life sucks? so what if there is no more money? while you complain life isnt perfect, blame oneself, because it was all started from the way we think.



And through all these thinking and thounghts, we listen patienly. We listen deeply with detail.



We dont spread our secrets openly,neither do we cry hard with people we could trust less. Yet the one who always will comfort us with the best way is ourself.



Somehow there is people, who are blinded with following instincts. Instincts that are merely true. Jeopardizing life and hurting more feelings. I am not sure, but i know karma wins.

Que Sera Sera Amigos

okay so..i FORGOT my password on twitter. yea it means there is divine intervention asking me to less gossip or less boasting.hahahahahah yea..WTF.

What a hectic day i had today. Wake up after less than 3 hour sleep. =) *good* ..Went for breakfast with my cousin and aunt before heading home to finish my islam & management assignment. Went out again at 11am to attend some big shot's daughter's wedding. Uhh..how i hate weddings. Because you just have to act as if you are friendly but the thing is you are sweating like in hell, your body is like giving out those bad odours that you just want to rush back home and shower. Na, js that i am a depending-on-situation kinda person. I am choosy when things just aint right in my mood.

For example, last night, Vivian PM me asked about business law assignment. I find it annoying. Because :

1. I havent done it yet
2. I am so not in the mood of talking or replyin
3. Its pissing me off asking things repeatedly
4. I ask myself 'is she that dumb to find out herself?'

And i just regain my own consciousness that i was being rude tellin her off not to bug me, or else its really gonna pissed me off. Which yes i did, i PISSED OFF. She felt terribly and send me a msg shortly after i appear offline saying she is sorry. Haha. Im sorry too =)

You know, there is some people out there that doesnt deserve to be pity?

Whether they are called as good friends? Bad friends? Worse friends? The fact is when you treat them god regardless who they are at that time, they just dont appreciate it or they ignore or neglected it. And yes, WAT THE FUCK,?

I am not writtin to pour my sensibleness or assume it is my UNsensible-ness tonite, just that i am trying to remind myself, some people just aint worth it.

I know i may not be the WHO and WHO to be proud of about, or shall i say WHO AM I? to be saying like this? Yes, i protect my friends, and thats my treasure for people who treat me good. I keep and make sure people i love,people i call FRIENDS safe and sound. Hinder them from worriness or harm.

And when one day you find me talking bad behind you, its because you dint realize it was your decision to lose a friend like me.

But yeah..currently everything just seems okay. Not bad. People, *hopefully* are growing maturedly and having their mind fix before jumping into any conclusion in anything they do. Because despite in today's world, with all kind of stuff and things invented for goodness sake, mankind are still selfish ignoring their faults. I am one of them. Sarcasticly i am.

Love Karmen =)

Are You sensible Enough?

Okay.. these past few week was totally mad with playing truant. Aha!

captured by webcam@ Starbucks Warisan Sq.
29th October 2009, Thursday

Its like i've been with Bonn almost everyday. Well, between us both things are working quite good. Despite some day he might pissed me off. But hell yeah, i am a forgiver. I forgive him, and yes i did pause & think, till when shall i be a forgiving person. By the way, i only being a forgiver when i am with him. Its not fair. So this is relationship.Being biased. You tend to lose your sight and your hearings when you FEEL you are totally madly in love. Oh yes, it does.Dont lie.

Sometimes, somehow i was thinking does this worth everything in my life that i showered him? i mean this relationship. surprisingly we have been more than a year together. =) ..yet, i just dont feel that time passes so fast, and, and.......... and (so many 'and') ..and i feel tired .. but God has His own way.. i love bonn so much. i dint realize. but everyday when i tell myself how much i love him, i tell myself too, i would rather let him go if we are meant to be separated. i dont know. its just that these past few weeks, i been thinking, love is no selfish. love is free. love meets patience, love rejoice happiness because love shall not angry nor frust. that was those thing that planted in my mind. its says like the proverb ' if you love something, set it free, if it comes back, its meant for you'..

I spent my whole thursday with Bonn. =) We talked a lot. Giggled a lot. It reminds me of our first met up. It was funny.We hold each other's hand and did source something out about ourselves. And we did today too. Talked bout some past history about ourselves. It was sweet and now i understand why sometimes the way he pissed me off is to gain my attention. =)

Bonn been advising me on certain things. Avoid somebody. Avoid the chiss-miss. He says its not worth it. Its not worth losing the good friend. I never knew he was such a good observer until he spoken to me about whats going on. He explained to me. If you think i was 'di-gula gulakan' by him, well, its not. I was never influence by bonn, i gave myself time to think and before i made up my mind, choosing which is true and right or wrong.

People, we make friends along the way.

However, you did hear what i have told you. Yet you have not even consider which road you taken. Okay, so i shall leave you. You never listen to me. You go with the flow, but have you think what you said before? did you excute what you had spoken? I am just being afraid how many people will lose this trust on you. Yes, indeed its your life. Your decision your rights. Dear, i dare not lose you in the dark pit. What if you were in the other way round? Would you call another person stupid making this decision? I know its too late to say anything. But i am praying hard for you, happy always and always.

I may not say directly this to you. Because being your friend, i dont know, maybe i would have lose you when i say this right at your face or you would misintepret my meaning, either way .. in a way its making you happy, but the other part, you are just making mistakes. And yes those mistakes, only you and i know. Until which level it has reach. I am not trying to ruin your dream or fantascies or destroying what you may now see as the greatest of all, but dear friend of mine, have you ever think how long this could survive?

I am sorry if you would be mad at me for pouring out here. But i guess no body will know who you may be and yes, no body knows. Today i was bit frustrated with you .. i am..indeed. deeply. =( i miss the old you. the one who is sensible and less-mind interrupted you! i miss you! i do! give me a hug when you read this. i dont mean to hurt you or what so ever. but yeah, if you think so, then its up to you. Demi Tuhan, i wrote this just to make you understand what i am thinking. And being your friend, i the want best for you.

Dear friend of mine, i dont want to lose you. =(